lurkskywalker:

One for holding burritos and one for touching butts.

(via distinctmemory)

May 15,2012

I bet you have forgotten that I ever exist.

You have happily moved on with your mess of a life. I know you don’t care about me anymore. You wouldn’t be there even if I did need you. I have to admit that I am permanetly in love with you, and it kills me. I will always have this little spark in my broken heart for you. But I know better than to actually want you again. I miss you though… I miss being with you all the time and making plans for the future. Listening to you tell stories even if they weren’t true. You have a talent, you can entertain me. That’s a special thing. I’m always growing bored of everything, but never you. You were a new adventure everyday. And God I miss the first month of us. I miss getting a phone call from you right after football practice. You wanted to come over no matter how sweaty or tired you were. But that desire faded and you resorted to less trips and no phone calls, just empty texts. I keep changing my mind about this situation. Some times I think I hate you but other times I would do anything to be with you like that again. Right now I probably have you conviced I hate you, but I don’t. I never could. You will always have this way of pulling me in. I don’t want to avoid you any more but I know I have to in order to keep myself safe. It’s like letting criminals into your house, it’s a dangerous thing and you know better than to do it. I already had a tiny hole in my heart but you just crawled inside and when you left you made it even bigger and now… I’m trying to find anyone who will fill it. I’m looking for things in places they aren’t. I’m always getting on to people who do that because I realize how silly it is. You can’t chococlate in a field of cows, just something that resembles it. And you don’t find love, it finds you where you least expect it. I know someone else will one day be able to fill that empty void but as of right now, no one can. I can’t fill it right now anyway. I won’t think I’m ready for someone to take your place yet, I’m not done building that bridge yet. You really have made me a differnet person. It’s a scary thing too, how someone can make such an impact on you. How you change because of them and even when they are gone, their habits still linger on you. I hate hearing you talk now. It kills me because I can remember you’re voice speaking the words ‘I love you’ before closing the car door and leaving. And saying ‘I don’t want to go home’ while we laied on the couch. And it’s not like I will ever hear you speak those words again. I wish I had known that, that was going to be the last time I kissed you, the last time I could comfortably say I love you. I would have made it memorable. I wish I had known that was the last time I would hold your hand because I would have held on tighter. I wish you would have known that, that would not be the last time I cried over you. Maybe you would have pulled me close and kissed the top of my head, maybe you would have understood. But I over estimated you, I had too much faith in you and that’s why I got hurt. Why I’m still hurt. God, I wish things didn’t have to change. And I don’t want to hear people talk about you, good or bad. It almost hurts to hear your name and it’s even worse to say it. I wonder if you listen to the mix CD I made you with no second thoughts. I bet it doesn’t even register to you anymore that I did that for you. I know you lied about alot in our relationship but I pray to God you weren’t lying when you said you loved me. You know, they say that if you once loved someone you will always love them and if you don’t anymore you never trully loved them. I wonder which one applies to me…

May 9,2012

Honestly, by now you would think I would be over it. You would think that you never cross my mind anymore and I would have stopped looking for you in the halls by now. But some times when you get in such habits, it’s hard to shake them. I have realized that I did fall in love with you, but more of the “you” I’d created inmy head. I had myself convinced you were such a good person, that you loved me, and thought about holding me when I wasn’t around. Looking back though, you lied about everything. You were afraid to just open up and tell me. And the rules never applied to you. I fell in love with the idea of you. I fell in love with the fact you would never trully be all mine. But now, I can’t think of a time when you weren’t around. You left dirty stains on all my memories. It’s like I’ve started to mark my life pre-jacob and after-jacob. It’s sad that I gave you so much slack and you didn’t hang yourself with it. It’s almost like karma is letting you get away with all the shit you put me through. I wonder if you suffered any… Chances are you didn’t. I’m convinced you don’t even have a conscience or possibly you lack the portion of your brain you make decisions with. What really gets me is that you hope I’m just gonna cave and talk to you.You must not know me at all, if you really think i will, huh? I know I’m not perfect, I know I’m not the best either, but I want you to realize how much I cared about you and how much I did for you. Because one day you will be in my situation and you’re gonna miss me. I think I’ll be okay when I find someone to fill the hole you created, but I haven’t found anyone to do the job for me yet. I’ve kissed a couple people since you. And they weren’t bad kissers but it wasn’t the same. It felt kind of foregin, strange. People always say things to me like “Oh, Jacob broke you didn’t he” and when I look up to face them I guess they can see it my eyes cause they always look at me with sympathy and say “He really did, didn’t he?” I bet you are at home right now laying on the couch watching some show and zombies or bigfoot and I haven’t even skimmed through your thought process. It’s like I don’t even phase you until you need something.And no, I can notbe your friend. I’ve built up this wall for a reason… To keep myself safe and to brake it down just so you could come into my comfort zone and hurt me again would be stupid on my part. I’ve forgotten what it’s like for you to hold me in your arms and whisper things in my ear, but I miss looking foward to it. I really do hope you are happy though. It would be selfish to want you when you are happy where you are without me. I also hope that you will grow up soon, people are starting to figure you out, and your games are starting to fail. You are gonna wish you had picked up the pieces and became a real man later down the road. Oh and another thing, stop blaming everything on your dad. He isn’t the one who made you lie about everything, he isn’t the one who made you make bad decisions, annd he wasn’t the one who made you get bad grades. It was all you. For the record, no one will give you a college degree out of sympathy, you have to work for things like that. I’m starting to believe you are stuck the way you are and it’s not like I can do anything to help or save you. Keep in mind that just because her name is Allison doesn’t mean you will find me in her.

March,2012

You just don’t get it do you? I do everything for you. I sit alone at home waiting for you. I give up opportunities and people. I forget about all the things I could be doing and think about you. I guess you just don’t think about me like I do you. It’s not fair to me for you to place the blame on me when all I’m doing is caring about you like any good girlfriend would. You make me so happy yet so upset. You just don’t try as hard as I do. I HATE IT. I want nothing more than you to love me when I just end up drowning in my love for you. You don’t jump for the chance to see me, you don’t pay attention to me at school, you don’t text me when you’re at home on the couch. What am I doing wrong? Do I not say the right things? There are tears in my eyes because all I want is to be with you, and you can’t take a little bit of your thursday night to come cuddle with me after the shittiest two weeks in a long time. I want something to live for other than just you. And no matter what I do I can’t get you out of my head. It’s like a disease. It makes me want to go running… and I hate running. I wish you understood how much I love you, it hurts. I guess i just wish you were head over heals for me. Sorry…